


Consequences of a First Date

by YAJJ



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: First Dates, M/M, Parental Roy Mustang, cut him some slack he's never had to let one of his own go free before ;-;, he mellows out when he finds out that sooooooomebody is in looooooove, he's such a nervous dad, when ur dad gives ur bf The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 05:37:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15163829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YAJJ/pseuds/YAJJ
Summary: Roy was absolutely fine with his son having a boyfriend. After all he'd been through, he deserved whatever he wanted. However, actually meeting said boyfriend-to-be may prove to be... disastrous.





	Consequences of a First Date

Edward had never been more mortified in his life. He sat, staring with wide eyes at the table in front of him. His hands were tucked beneath his thighs, his face red as a tomato.

Mustang stood above him, talking loudly. “If _anything_ happens, you call me. You hear? _Call me_.”

“You said,” Ed said quietly.

“Do you have a condom? Make sure you use one if—”

“What the hell? We’re not—oh my _god_ it’s just a date!”

“Just a date?” Mustang scoffed, tossing his head to the side. “Yeah _right_ . I know how guys are, Ed, and they will _connive_ to get what they want. Do you understand?”

“He was my _friend_ before this! He’s not like that. And, this might surprise you but _I’m a guy too_ ! What if _I_ just want to get in _his_ pants?!” Ed snapped, going redder still. While that wasn't the truth, that Mustang thought he was some “perfect innocent flower” or whatever he thought he was, was embarrassing, and more than a little demeaning.

Mustang scoffed again but didn’t speak further on _that_ subject, thankfully. “If he tries anything—“

“You’ll castrate him, I know, I heard—“

“Anything at all—!”

“You’ll hit him so hard his whole family tree will shake, I know, I _heard_!” Ed shot a fierce glare up at his ex-boss, scrunching his nose. “...That’s a stupid line, you know.”

“...That may be, but it’s the truth.”

Ed’s face had never been so hot. “...Whatever.”

Roy just sighed and shook his head, eyeing the boy. He stepped up right behind him and took hold of his hair, undoing the tie.

“Hey…! What’s wrong with—I just did that!”

“You missed a couple of strands. Hold still.”

“Oh, and I suppose _you_ can braid?”

“I can in fact; I’m a master.”

Ed bit back a comment and just sat still, feeling the tug in his hair as Roy worked it into a neat braid. He tied off the end wordlessly, then stepped back to observe his handiwork. Nodding to himself, he swept around to Ed’s front and looked the teen over.

“...What?”

“No, nothing,” Roy said with a gentle shake of his head. He took Ed’s chin and turned it one way, then the other, then stepped back and smoothed the shirt over his shoulders. “You just look very handsome today, is all. Ling is a lucky guy.”

If possible, Ed’s face went even redder, ducking his chin to his chest.

“He’ll be pleased that I took you shopping earlier, rather than letting you wear the garbage you normally wear.”

“H— _hey!_ What’s wrong with what I normally wear?!? What, you don’t like my sense of style, don’t think I look good enough normally?!?”

“I think you look plenty good enough already, but the correct wardrobe can make someone absolutely _shine_ , and I think we found what does it for you.”

Ed paused in his rant, mouth dropping open and face heating up so much he could fry an egg. After a moment he clicked his teeth shut and looked pointedly away, spitting out, “don’t say weird things.”

Roy chuckled and shook his head, then his eyes darted toward the front door, his interest piqued like an excitable pup, when the doorbell rang. As it rang a second time, Ed felt on a metaphysical level that both the very beginning and the very end of their relationship was about to occur, at least if Roy and his stupid, overprotective ass had anything to say about it.

_Ling was here_.

“You,” Roy said, snarling like a dog and pointing to the couch. “Sit. Now.”

“ _What_ ?! No— _don’t you dare say a word Mustang!!_ ” Rather than do as asked, Ed instead lurched out of his chair and threw his arms around Roy’s waist, just as Roy was about to storm off to answer the door and probably banish Ling, Xingese Emperor or not, directly to Truth’s gate. He dug his heels into the floor and tried desperately to stop Roy from doing or saying anything more to further embarrass him.

Ling rang the doorbell a third time, the noise clearly souring Roy’s previously good mood and making that vein on his forehead stand out quite nicely. He started grumbling under his breath about patience and some people not having it (as if he was one to talk) and it took Ed’s absolute all to not just flop along behind him and be dragged along to witness the destruction of his newest relationship.

“IN A MINUTE!!!” He called instead, trying and failing to regain his footing. If Ling rang the doorbell a fourth time, then Ed knew _for sure_ that if Ling himself wasn’t burnt to a crisp right on the spot, their relationship would be. The best way for this to succeed at all was for Ling to keep himself quiet, and hopefully avoid sticking his foot in his mouth.

Ed had always known that whomever he dated would have to be scrutinized by both Alphonse and Winry, but he never would have guessed that Mustang would have to appraise as well, and would apparently have the more critical eye.

Finally, Ed regained enough of his footing that he was actually able to sweep around Roy and put a stop to his rampage. Roy, apparently not wanting to run him over, halted in his storm but glared at the door.

“That’s not fair!!” Ed hissed, smacking his fist against Roy’s chest. “Stop!!”

Roy snorted like a bull but didn’t look away from the offending slab of wood.

“I _conceded_ !” Ed snapped, stomping his foot like a child. “I agreed to let him pick me up from here, okay!! Because you wouldn’t shut up about it!! I let you help me and I _appreciate it_ , I do, but it’s not _fucking fair_ that you’re going to scare him off before I see him!! So BACK OFF and let me answer the DAMN DOOR!!”

Roy’s dark, scrutinizing eyes turned from the door down to Ed, then back up again. His eyes suddenly went soft in a way that Ed found more than slightly mortifying as he looked at Ed one more time, soft in the same way that Hughes was around his daughter. “...Okay,” he said, the throbbing vein slowly melting back into his head where it belonged. He stood himself up straight and dusted off his clothes, looking embarrassed at the slight show of emotion. “Fine. Answer the door. However, I _am_ saying my piece before you leave, and if he decides to be an uncooperative little fuckwad, you’re not leaving this house.”

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my boss _or_ my legal guardian anymore.”

Roy ground his teeth with a noise that made Ed twinge at the thought of it. “ _Not. Leaving. This. House._ ”

Ed rolled his eyes and turned away, eyeing Roy as if waiting to see if he would attempt to upstage Ed again and get to the door first. Roy didn’t move even a muscle.

“Ling!” he cheered when he threw open the door, slapping on a smile that he felt deep in his soul. God, he was excited. He had been talking about it all week. Even if his stomach was in knots and even though he didn’t know what dates were supposed to be like or how boyfriends were supposed to act with their boyfriends, he still shook with excitement and couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

“Hey, Edward,” Ling said, somehow calm and casual even though he was definitely almost never that. Ed had a feeling that he’d been on his fair share of dates; that, or it came from living the life of a prince. “Are you ready t—“

Ed furrowed his brows when Ling paled and appeared to stop breathing. He peered around, and only thought to glance over his shoulder when he noticed that Ling’s eyes were going over his head.

Ahh yes, he’d forgotten that Roy was apparently a gorgon, and could turn the people he didn’t like to stone if they met eyes.

“Stop it!” he snapped, so Roy averted his gaze and released Ling from his spell. Roy cleared his throat and curled his finger, looking right at Ling. “Both of you in here, this instant.”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Ed begged to no avail. Ling appeared to have forgotten that he was in fact the emperor of a huge nation and could make Roy bow to his will if he so wished. Appeared to have forgotten that he probably had _at least_ two ninja bodyguards tracking his every move.

“You will be an absolute gentleman,” Roy said without even a hello. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and flared his nostrils, showing off the stars and stripes pinned to his uniform to make himself as intimidating as possible. “You will try nothing. Whatever you may try is only done with his full, uncoerced consent. As soon as he gives the inkling of a ‘no’, you back off, am I clear?”

Ed glanced over at Ling, noting with dread the expression on his face. It was a mix of “I have no idea why this is happening” and “if I look away even for a second I Will Die”, and Ed doubted that a second date was in the near future.

“Y-yes, sir,” Ling managed to stutter.

“He is home by eleven, and not even a second later. If he is, I wouldn’t expect to wake up tomorrow.”

“Must—“ Ed snapped, eyes darting around for ninja warriors prepared to cut out Roy’s throat. Was that not a threat made on the emperor’s life?

“And if he comes home hurt at all, if he manages to get himself a papercut or he is in _anyway_ out of place, I will gut you. _Gut you_.”

“Y-yes sir,” Ling stammered again, and Ed was pretty sure he had lost all conscious thought.

Roy looked down on them, down the bridge of his nose, looking like he was attempting to set Ling on fire with his eyes. Ed felt as if he had already set him ablaze, his face was so hot. This would never end. It would _never end_. This was the rest of—

“Good,” Roy said, nodding hard. He turned suddenly soft eyes on Ed, scrutinizing him, then brushed his bangs back affectionately. Ed tried to strike him, but Roy was apparently too quick. “I’ll pick you up if you need me to. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. I’ll be waiting up. Then I’ll take you back to the hotel.”

“Well, sir,” Ling interjected, apparently attempting to get on Roy’s good side and failing miserably. “If you’d like, we can just drop him off at his hotel, it’s no—“ Ling was cut off as Roy’s expression took on that of a dragon he was so often compared to, furious, greedy, protective of his things. “O-or we’ll drop him off here, that’s fine too.”

Roy breathed out a sudden puff of smoke, like he really was a fire breather, then instantly calmed himself. “ _Call me_.”

“Won’t need to. But—if I do, I will.”

Roy nodded, then finally released them from the prison of absolute humiliation. “Fine then. Go on, have fun. But—“ his eyes darkened into a furious glare, “not _too much_ fun.”

Ling laughed nervously and nodded, saluting like he feared that Roy would roast him if he didn’t show the utmost respect, which probably wasn't too far from the truth. “We won’t, sir.”

Roy watched them go, and even as Ed forcefully closed the door, he could feel Roy’s glare prickling along the back of his neck. He was afraid to turn around, afraid to already see Roy glaring at them from the upstairs bedroom.

“I am so sorry,” Ed begged, mortified. “I never thought he’d actually pull that shit. I promise, I’m not like that.”

Ling laughed, although Ed saw a hint of disbelief in his eyes and Ed knew he didn’t believe him. “It’s fine, really. He’s quite a—hmm—a character, I guess?”

“He’s normally an asshole, but not that big of an asshole,” Ed grumbled.

“I really don’t mind. Besides. If he’s _that_ protective of you, you must be quite the catch, don’t you agree?” Ling fluttered his eyelashes and grabbed for his right hand, bringing it to his mouth to scatter kisses along the knuckles of his newly flesh fingers in a way that made Ed go beet red.

Ed took his hand back and held them both behind his back, not used to anything like _that_. “...Don’t say weird things.”

Again, Ling laughed and cooed, “as you wish. Well, shall we get going? I’ve got quite the night planned for us.”

* * *

 When Ed arrived back at Mustang’s, at _precisely_ 10:59 which was _perfectly_ on time, Ed found himself wanting to fling himself through the door, perform a perfect pirouette, and collapse onto the couch and come down off of an emotional high he hadn’t even been close to since they returned home to Resembool.

They hadn't kissed. Not on the mouth. Ed wasn’t okay with that sort of intimacy _quite yet_ , but Ling had kissed his cheek as close to his mouth as he dared, then wished him sweet dreams, and Ed feared he may have been falling in love. He wanted to dance on the rooftops and yell it to the whole world, that he had had the best date ever and he, Edward Elric, he was _in love!_

He wanted to tell Roy all about it.

Despite Roy absolutely mortifying and humiliating him, Ling had taken it in stride, somehow turned it into a compliment for Ed, and now Ed wanted to tell Roy about _everything_ . About the dinner. The drive there. The walk to the park. The fireworks. The way that Ling looked and smelled and _moved_ , everything about him was perfect and according to his still-emotionally-high brain, Roy had to know every single bit of it.

At least, Roy did, until Ed walked into the living room. Ed instantly sobered.

Because there was Roy, sat in his armchair right beside the phone. There was paperwork strewn on the end table, some falling loose from his hand to strew across the floor. He was fast asleep, practically drooling all over himself, waiting for Ed’s call. Just as he’d said. Well—almost as he said.

But he had waited up for Ed to come home, to make sure that he was safe and could enjoy his date in peace.

That ride back to the hotel wasn’t happening.

Ed _could_ shake him awake and ask him to bring him home, but he didn’t. He _could_ step outside and see if Ling was still outside, to give him a ride back, but he didn’t.

No. Roy had tried to wait up for him, in case there was any trouble at all, and Ed decided that the worry he would get if he went back to the hotel just wasn’t worth it. He could crash on Mustang’s couch until morning; Mustang clearly wasn’t using it.

He called the hotel to let Al know that he wouldn't be home until morning. When he hung up, he dragged the blanket from the back of the couch and tossed it over Mustang. Then he grabbed a spare and spread out on the couch, closing his eyes and listening in to the soft, gentle, soothing sound of someone else breathing in the same room he was sleeping in.

He could tell Roy everything in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still debating if I want to write the hyuroi companion to this piece. I've already got a full plate, but.... maybe one day.  
> Please don't forget to leave a comment!! Thanks for reading!!


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